DECLASSIFIED ADS

 

EMPLOYMENT


Miscellaneous Office

SLAVES!

Long hours, low pay.
Inflexible management
seeks meek individuals
for permanent F/T
exploitation. No exp. nec.
Call 555-6868

ASST. EXEC ADMIN.

30 hrs/wk. Nebulous
company seeks vaguely
professional nobody
for uncertain
businesslike tasks.
Min 4 yrs exp.
Call 555-2000 x400

DEAD END JOB

F/T permanent pos.
motivated individual
needed to sit behind desk
and watch the clock.
Feel your life slipping away!
555-8063 555-7077 fax


Computer

wanted - DBA + MCSE + IT exp
w/SQL/VB/TCP/IP/HTML/CGI/
LAN/WAN/C/C++/
CPIM/CIRM/SAS
/PL/I/WYLBUR/JCL/
DOS/WIN 3.1/95/98/NT/2000/ME/2003
sal DOE
mail resume plus $20 application fee


Professional

Rewarding, meaningful work.
Fair compensation. Opport.
for advancement, recognition
& honors. Creativity
encouraged. Flexible
scheduling, will train.
contact: Santy Claus
1-800-HO HO HO


Industrial

Gigantic, dangerous
machinery seeks fresh meat.
Must enjoy loud noise &
toxic chemicals.
Call 555-2717


Construction

Beer guzzling louts needed
for standing around in orange jackets
looking important. State
paycheck $1500/day. we'll
hire all your friends too!
555-1065


Assembler

Malaysian electronics corp.
now hiring American factory
workers for medieval-like
mechanized labor. Up to
.35 ¢ per day.
Contact Gengis Qong
555-2110


Defense Contractor

Multibillion dollar
"aerospace" firm seeks
crooked politicians for
lucrative "consulting"
positions. Underworld
connections a plus.
DEATHTECH
western division south
25285 Industrial Loop
Deathtech, TX 20060


Sales

Entrepeneurs needed to sell
car stereos, gold chains, and
concert tickets. Will provide
merchandise.
PARKING LOT CREEPS
555-3307 Moe

Dynamic, driven, motivated team players wanted for violently aggressive marketing expansion. YY chromosomes a plus.Don't call us, we'll call you.


Telemarketing

Enjoy bothering strangers?
We pay next to nothing,
provide no training or
support. Prospective
employees must be able to
recite dull sales pitch in
monotone.
Steve 555-1212


Retail / Store

Hey kids! What could be
worse than school?
CASHIER
20-30 hrs/wk weekends,
holidays, & evenings mostly.
Minimum wage,
maximum hassle.
call 1-800-THE-MALL

Sales Help Wanted
Store which sells products
nobody wants at prices few
can afford needs commission
only sales persons.
POINTLESS POSITIONS

Employment Service

555-8400


Restaurant / Lodging

COOK

Big fat guy
w/ bad temper preferred.
Call Jim at Chez Immodium
555-0111


MULTI LEVEL MUTANTS
Pseudo New-agey cosmetics
scam seeks new disciples for
sickening marketing cult.
Abuse your family & friends
for fun & profit.
Apply before we skip town!
NUVITAL
NATURALSCENTIALS

555-1818

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